i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
