Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
