I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize