i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
