My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
