This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
