Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize