went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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