I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
