I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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