you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dicks are not precious.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
