woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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