I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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