you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
