What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
