Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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