Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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