so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
