Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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