Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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