Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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