i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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