My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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