Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
