Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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