I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
