i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
