you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
