I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
