apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
