Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
