I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
