i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
