they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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