Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
