Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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