Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
