I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
