Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
