Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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