I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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