yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
