She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
