Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
