Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
