Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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