Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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