this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
