he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
