I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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