Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
