i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I AM VODKA MAN
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
