My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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