o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
