I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
