yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
