If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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