I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
