dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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