i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
