she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize