my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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