I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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