I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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